Deep Meditation. Thinking about my thoughts and emoting over my feelings. Have to maintain some order. I need some sort of structure or I will get lost in a mental maze. I want to throw everything out and start fresh again, construct a brand new mental universe from scratch, but I worry that is the definition of insanity. I need to hold some things axiomatic or I will be lost. Which things will I save? Which things define me? Cereal in the morning when I wake up and at night before I go to bed. Punctuation of my consciousness. Am I just a cosine wave waking and sleeping? What kind of person am I if I could choose? I barely understand myself how can I make such a judgement? But then I leave it up to nature’s caprice if I make no choice. How can I make a choice if I don’t know what the consequences of it are, free will is a joke. They tell me it is my choice to be happy. If I want to, I can choose optimism and look at the world through rose tinted glasses. You know what…they’re right. I can choose to be happy, I am the master of my own mental universe. That is where free will lies. I can simply be content with life, at this point I have the mental mastery to do so. You know what though…fuck that. I’m not going to sacrifice truth for happiness. I’m not going to turn to Jesus or lie to myself about the horrible things happening in the world to me and others. You are a sociopath if you aren’t depressed. You are masochistic if you aren’t depressed. My mental universe is just fucking fine, it’s rational to feel the way that I do. I’m not going to make lemons into lemonade. I’m going to keep asking where the fuck all these lemons keep coming from? Who is responsible for all these lemons? How much sugar and water did the elites give me even if I wanted to make lemonade? So much happiness to pursue but no opportunities to do so. You know what, fuck it. I’m going to bite right into that lemon. I’m going to eat it rind and all. Do your worst. I’m not afraid of the fear I’m not depressed about the depression. I have the right to demand more of the world. I don’t have to be happy with everything it throws at me. I’m not just an infinitely malleable lump of clay you can bend and twist as you please. Fuck that, I’m a sentient creature that feels pain and deserves better. In fact, I do have free will, I don’t have to just sit here and let the world force its will on me just because I was born into a poor family and with Autism. Power is not to be used to force your will on people, it is to be used to seek truth and justice. Any power I have goes there, I won’t just throw lemons at people who hurt me. I’m not bad at communicating, the world is too stupid to understand me. Maybe tell me when I offend you, tell me so I can apologize and explain or consider the fact that I have autism and think and speak differently than you. If there were a cultural or linguistic barrier to communication and I accidentally offended someone because of it no one would bat an eyelash. Why is Autism different? Why is there cultural tolerance but no tolerance for people born with autism. Sorry we aren’t the cool oppressed flavor of the month. If the world doesn’t shape the fuck up and start treating me and all autistic people right, I’m outta here. I’m not going to emotionally lobotomize myself just because the world is a dystopian nightmare. I can eat lemons all day. Maybe one day I just don’t feel like eating lemons, that’s fine, then I can always leave. I can leave any time I want and any way I want. That’s my choice. The one choice I make that will actually have some effect.