I Deserve Better and So Do You

Deep Meditation. Thinking about my thoughts and emoting over my feelings. Have to maintain some order. I need some sort of structure or I will get lost in a mental maze. I want to throw everything out and start fresh again, construct a brand new mental universe from scratch, but I worry that is the definition of insanity. I need to hold some things axiomatic or I will be lost. Which things will I save? Which things define me? Cereal in the morning when I wake up and at night before I go to bed. Punctuation of my consciousness. Am I just a cosine wave waking and sleeping? What kind of person am I if I could choose? I barely understand myself how can I make such a judgement? But then I leave it up to nature’s caprice if I make no choice. How can I make a choice if I don’t know what the consequences of it are, free will is a joke. They tell me it is my choice to be happy. If I want to, I can choose optimism and look at the world through rose tinted glasses. You know what…they’re right. I can choose to be happy, I am the master of my own mental universe. That is where free will lies. I can simply be content with life, at this point I have the mental mastery to do so. You know what though…fuck that. I’m not going to sacrifice truth for happiness. I’m not going to turn to Jesus or lie to myself about the horrible things happening in the world to me and others. You are a sociopath if you aren’t depressed. You are masochistic if you aren’t depressed. My mental universe is just fucking fine, it’s rational to feel the way that I do. I’m not going to make lemons into lemonade. I’m going to keep asking where the fuck all these lemons keep coming from? Who is responsible for all these lemons? How much sugar and water did the elites give me even if I wanted to make lemonade? So much happiness to pursue but no opportunities to do so. You know what, fuck it. I’m going to bite right into that lemon. I’m going to eat it rind and all. Do your worst. I’m not afraid of the fear I’m not depressed about the depression. I have the right to demand more of the world. I don’t have to be happy with everything it throws at me. I’m not just an infinitely malleable lump of clay you can bend and twist as you please. Fuck that, I’m a sentient creature that feels pain and deserves better. In fact, I do have free will, I don’t have to just sit here and let the world force its will on me just because I was born into a poor family and with Autism. Power is not to be used to force your will on people, it is to be used to seek truth and justice. Any power I have goes there, I won’t just throw lemons at people who hurt me. I’m not bad at communicating, the world is too stupid to understand me. Maybe tell me when I offend you, tell me so I can apologize and explain or consider the fact that I have autism and think and speak differently than you. If there were a cultural or linguistic barrier to communication and I accidentally offended someone because of it no one would bat an eyelash. Why is Autism different? Why is there cultural tolerance but no tolerance for people born with autism. Sorry we aren’t the cool oppressed flavor of the month. If the world doesn’t shape the fuck up and start treating me and all autistic people right, I’m outta here. I’m not going to emotionally lobotomize myself just because the world is a dystopian nightmare. I can eat lemons all day. Maybe one day I just don’t feel like eating lemons, that’s fine, then I can always leave. I can leave any time I want and any way I want. That’s my choice. The one choice I make that will actually have some effect.

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8 thoughts on “I Deserve Better and So Do You

  1. Most of us know the world is a really screwed up place on so many levels and it would be overwhelming to think that we can just fix it. Most of our trouble stems from peoples greed and incompetence. Add religion and politics and it’s easy to see how we go so far off the track. With that said, there is also the opposite. Like a yin and yang thing with the bad there is the good. You need to stop obsessing on the negative aspects of the world and look for positive things to focus on. I know that is easier said then done. You can’t worry about the state of the world, just yourself at this point. I know, I keep telling you this but you do over think it! Not that it has anything really to do with your state of mind but you weren’t born into a poor family, not a rich family either. You had a great middle class life style and circumstances (your parents divorce) put you in a less than optimal situation. Still comparing to what I have personally seen in a third world country, you still would not be considered poor. Also, money has nothing to do with actual happiness, you are either a content happy person or not. Happiness is not financial or geography it’s psychology. You know this because you can witness happy people that live in the ghetto or those third world countries and miserable people living in mansions! I think of you everyday and hope that you can get through this crisis!

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    1. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m autistic or depressed, but I don’t understand this defaulting to being alive instinct people have. We are going to all die eventually, I hope you know. God forbid we die 20 years earlier than when we would have anyway. I’m not sure this is really a crisis. I’ve had suicidal ideations every day of my life for 25 years, not at all an exaggeration. This is sort of the norm for me, not everyone can be happy. Depression makes me baseline uninterested in most things people take pleasure in. Anything valuable left in life for me autism keeps me from. My family is below the poverty line in the United States, >$10,000 per year. I can post their W-2s if you want, I have to do them every year.

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      1. I don’t want you to think my comments are meant to be adversarial and as I have told you I am here for you and only want the best for you. I am not challenging your recent and present family income, I was stating the fact that you did not grow up poor. Look at the neighborhood and home you grew up in that when sold was fully paid off. You have a college education. I know you see no point in degrees but believe me, in this world, it will take you places and that is beside the point because you did go to college more than four years. Obviously the Autism has the biggest effect on how you feel and interact with society. I am sure if you weren’t afflicted you would be working on your doctorate by now and working in your field. It doesn’t mean all is lost, I believe you can beat this and have a productive life. It’s very sad that you have felt depressed your whole life. Hopefully the people you are seeing now can help.

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      2. It’s difficult to gauge my tone in conversation let alone text when there are no facial expressions, body language, or inflection cues. I probably come off adversarially in text but this is not my intent. If I was able to finish a Bachelor’s in Physics in one semester an undergraduate education can’t be that valuable…. Maybe the Masters will take a little bit longer. Yeah I mean I’ve been trying to beat both for my entire life. I thought I had mostly but every once and a while they rear their ugly head to chase away any happiness that gets too close.

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      3. My mother and grandmother fled from the USSR and worked as seamstresses in the US to survive. They finally scraped together $150,000 worth of equity from a box in Garfield they lived in. They made the down payment on the house in Emerson but didn’t understand their legal rights and so we didn’t see dime fucking one after that house was sold. Again, I do their income taxes properly every year after the accountant fucks them up, let’s just close this can of worms. If I didn’t have a full ride from Rutgers I would not be going to any college or eating any food. I’d still be siting in my room drawing equations on the walls. But you are really getting caught up on minor details here. Money holds no appeal for me. Products and services in the capitalist market meant to induce me to earn money are laughably childish. The only reason to earn money is that you have or you will die. This is the definition of slavery. This on top of all the abuse I have to take because it’s still PC to treat the autistic like garbage. We have to make efforts to bridge communication gaps if there is a cultural or linguistic barrier, but fuck autistic people. If there is a misunderstanding because of a culture gap or language barrier and someone is offended it’s not PC to blame. But fuck the autistic. You are really asking me to take this existence seriously? This world is a fucking joke and I’m only here because I’m still laughing at it.

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  2. You’re correct when chatting like this things can be misinterpreted. Just because you finished something and it was easy for you doesn’t make it worthless or not valuable! Go for the doctorate and see the life you can live!

    As for your other comment. I thought your Grandmother fled Poland (not that it was be a difference)? That’s what she told me. Also your Dad put the down on the home in Emerson. Your Grandmother did put another 120k up and Chris and your Mom took her in to live with them for the rest of her life (they didn’t take her money and kick her out). Chris paid the mortgage. They were a young married couple and a lot of young married couples do that (have a parent come live with them and the parent usually puts up a sum of money if they have it to help out her kids). It’s what they do, it’s wasn’t a business deal that your Mom was fleeced out of money (forgive me but that’s the way your comment reads, didn’t see dime fucking one). Usually any money a parent has is left to the children anyway. Your Mom and Dad were married and when they divorced, they split everything 50/50 plus your Mom got a pay off in lieu of alimony. No one was fleeced out of money. I will not go back and forth on this with you but thought a fact check was in order.

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    1. You have to be way more cautious with what you declare to be an objective truth. I reviewed and prepared most of the legal and financial documents that concern the facts here. I really can post them if you genuinely believe what you wrote above and are not just blindly defending Chris. The fact is my mom lived below the poverty line for most of my childhood and still does. I designed her website http://www.newinteriordecoration.com/
      and webmaster it. I basically manage her business man, I know the facts on the ground here. I really will send you the W-2s if you want.

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    2. Yes my Grandmother fled Poland, which was part of the USSR at the time, under the iron curtain mate. She also survived the holocaust by escaping from a train on its way to Auschwitz. Let’s not try to underplay the insanely harsh conditions the Horeckas thrive under. I’m sure you aren’t trying to be malicious, but I think you may be misinformed.

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