The why escapes me, but there are people that hate me. There are people that like or even love me and I think I understand why. I enjoy my mental universe but not much else about myself. I try to share that universe with people who I respect and enjoy. People who I don’t enjoy I attempt to be as kind and understanding to as possible. If I get to know them better, perhaps I will enjoy them more. I don’t think there is anyone I would truly hate and write off. I have theories about why people hate me, but I don’t know the actual reasons. I still love or like those people, most of them at least. I don’t hold it against them. I’m sure I have done things that upset them, I don’t believe people can hate for no reason. I didn’t mean to. I hate conflict, I hate hurting people. Even when I wound my enemies I feel terrible about it. I hate being forced to have enemies. I wish I could speak and be understood. I wish I could paint and be understood, write and be understood. I wish people could know me. I know they wouldn’t hate who I actually am. They only hate what I appear to be. How do we decide who people are? We prejudge people the first time we see them in a thousand subtle ways without even speaking to them. The childish maelstrom of the rumormill determines who we are? I am what three of your friends say I am? Can we read minds, do you know who I am? Maybe at least try. Maybe at least talk to me, learn about me and my life before you make value judgments about me. You don’t have to talk to me or try to understand me, but then you shouldn’t make judgments about me. One of the skills that a proper physicist should have sharpened is seeing a pattern in the world around him and having intuition for what model produces that pattern. Patterns are written in the looks people give me, the tone of their voice, the explicit words “I hate you” “I am uncomfortable around you” “Please leave and don’t come back.” Something is wrong with me? Look at the water rippling, it is a small displacement from an equilibrium (ie still water), so it is a harmonic oscillator. The solution to that ODE is a cosine. You can see that the little ripples are cosine waves over space, and as they move across a stationary duck they are cosines in time. I can see waves at work in light, sound, water, even gravity, by the patterns in nature my mind instinctively focuses on. Studying the interference patters in optics (electromagnetic radiation) how the various cosine waves of different phases produce the beautiful pattern of light and dark patterns at the bottom of a swimming pool or Caribbean ocean. This leads me to consider QM. I spent the entire long weekend just figuring out which potential energies would need to be at work to get different QM waves I was interested in. Just fourteen straight hours of calc and trig, then some sleep, then fourteen more hours. I just ate and drank while I worked. It was peaceful. I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. No one broke my heart.


5 thoughts on “Peace

  1. I think a lot of people are intimidated by your conversation because you are speaking about concepts etc…that average people do not comprehend or at least have no background or interest. It’s like the stuff your saying about light patterns, I have no idea of what you are talking about so I am not going to be able to respond to that if we were in person having a conversation. It’s not that I hate you, I just wouldn’t know how to respond. Except maybe, yea there real pretty. You need to be in an environment with people that get what you are saying, are excited to talk about it and you know what you have to do to get there (get the degrees and career in your field). Not saying that will solve all your problems and you will be magically content but I think it would be a huge start! There are always people that will dislike you for whatever reasons. Some people there is no pleasing. You will always get the gossips, whether they are spreading truth or lies. But if you treat people and their things with respect you will go a lot further with them in that department. You’ve said over and over that you think there is no value at all in materialistic possessions but people work hard for them and some have great sentimental value for those individuals. If you treat peoples possessions (their homes, cars etc…) that they worked so hard for like crap, you can’t expect them to welcome you with open arms. Just a fact of life.


    1. I value possessions that other people value, but that is only because I respect the people. I’m saying I have no interest in what most of the capitalist infrastructure produces because it is driven by market demand from people deeply unlike me. That doesn’t mean I don’t value people’s happiness that might be tied to inanimate things.


    2. I don’t need a doctorate to be surrounded by physicists who love interacting with me, believe me. But there are few social groups that I can relate to, and apparently growing fewer every day. Physicists are one of the last, but even they don’t quite think the way I do. Like most physicists are normal people, just intelligent enough to synthesize some very complicated equations out of a massive array of basic building blocks. It’s not always about understanding, sometimes it’s about interest. It’s difficult to find people who think even remotely like me. As a kid I loved trying to calculate the volume of weird shaped rocks by fitting functions to their surface area and using 3-d integrals. I could always see how right I was by dropping the rock in a measuring cup of water and seeing how much the water rose. I’m a weird guy man, no number of fancy papers are going to make people want to come measure rocks with me.


  2. See you don’t come off like you value your own or anyone’s possessions . People also see you as disrespectful to other people (just being honest). That’s stuff you can work on.

    I think with the proper credentials you will be around those people and be paid for it which will enable you to take care of yourself. I know you get the joy of the knowledge etc…but that don’t pay for food and rent etc…


    1. Well careful, the right statement is you see me as being disrespectful. You do have to earn my respect, and you have to earn my disrespect as well. I have also seen you be highly disrespectful to people who probably deserve it. Many of your (and the hypothetical group of people you refer to)’s norms are silly, closed minded, and anachronistic. Sometimes I really am showing disrespect and sometimes you are misinterpreting me. But I never, disrespect the person, just what the person does or their opinion, etc. I have never made holistic value judgements about a person. All people deserve to be treated with dignity and kindness. But that doesn’t mean I can’t think your opinion is stupid or your actions are immoral.


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