Resilience – the ability to hold form in the face of external forces, the ability to not change despite attempts to change you. If you are hurt, you heal. When stressed you relax. If angered or saddened you calm down and reach contentment. We are elastic. In nature substances that are elastic, sometimes abstractly elastic like bonded electrons in an atom, obey Hooke’s law. When forces push them out of equilibrium, they have natural internal forces that attempt to restore that equilibrium. Things like this can be weights on springs, rubber bands, tree branches swaying in the breeze, really any small displacement from equilibrium for any physical object looks like Hooke’s Law F=-kx. They oscillate in a beautiful symmetrical cosine wave. We experience this in everyday life. Every material has some limit, some point so far from equilibrium that Hooke’s Law no longer holds. Rubber bands snap, springs become straightened, tree branches break. I’m not recovering. I’m not bouncing back. It’s getting worse every day. Sometimes the rubber band doesn’t break, it just warps or deforms under pressure. I don’t even like to think about why anymore. It won’t even be fruitful to analyze the reasons. I’ve tried everything I can think of. They’ve tried everything to fix me. I’m not even sure what recovery would look like. There is no equilibrium in the world for freaks, there’s no cosine wave for us. Time is my last refuge, but has no effect. All my memories are as sharp as ever, just like waking up from a nightmare. Time only heals when there is something worthwhile in your life. My entire life has been a salvage operation. I’ve been grasping at straws to build some sort of foundation of contentment. I tried isolating myself, not leaving my apartment for a full year. It was lonely and miserable, but not as bad as I feel now. I don’t think I should be around other people. I can’t leave my bed on most days. I just can’t convince myself there’s anything out there for me anymore.

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5 thoughts on “

  1. I feel terrible that you feel this way and are so hopeless about your life. The people that you are seeing haven’t offered you any ideas on how to start to cope? I would think it would be small steps to go in the right direction so you could feel some hope for the future. My only experience is with physical therapy where they give you these little exercises to get your limb moving again. At the start I thought, this is not going to work! My arm was frozen and it would be like moving my other arm past the point it was straightened out at the elbow, impossible! But little by little (it took 3 months of the exercises 3 times daily) but eventually it worked. To this day I am still in awe that it worked and always tell people in the same situation, no matter how silly or small do whatever the therapists tell you. I wish it could be that simple for you!

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    1. I’ve been seeing neurologists and therapists since I was 3 years old. My functioning used to be much worse. When I was young it was very obvious that I was autistic. Now people don’t really know unless I tell them. People just assume I act the way I do because I’m an asshole. I can’t really complain about attempts to fix me, the school system did dedicate an enormous amount of resources to me because of my high IQ. Unfortunately Asperger’s also comes with emotional magnification so I feel any given emotion much more strongly than a normal person would. So there are peaks and troughs along the road of progress. I’ve just has an especially rough few years.

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  2. One thing I was thinking and not sure if it will help? What about regular physical exercises? An hour daily workout? If you are in good physical shape it might help mental well being?

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      1. Good to hear that! I am a big believer in daily exercise! I really do thinks it helps. It also keeps your mind busy and not dwelling on stuff that might be bothering you.

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