Sisyphus

Depression and autism are a devastating combination. Depression saps your drive, resilience, work ethic, and hope. It eats away at any will to work, and taxes the strength effort requires. The problem is, if you want to live with autism, you will need to work. You will need to toil day in and day out with little to no reward. Living with Autism requires Herculean amounts of effort and a naive amount of hope just to get through one day. You will be mocked, shunned, hurt, punished, confused, tired, angry, and scared. Then you will go home and try to figure out what you did wrong. You will get lost in the maze of a broken brain trying to fix itself. You can occasionally ease your loneliness by finding one of the many niches society has carved out for you. You can be a laughing stock, a freak, an idiot savant, a charity case, or a burden depending on where on the autism spectrum you fall. You need to keep yourself busy or you’ll lose hope. You must build up the emotional stamina to ignore them or else you will start to believe the horrible things they say. You need to say something nice to yourself every day, because no one else will. You need to convince yourself every day that you are worthwhile, or else you’ll just lie in bed. Self worth is an uphill battle for people like us. Normal people know they are valued. Normal people are complimented, loved, hugged, kissed, people seek out their company, people smile and giggle when they talk. We just sit eating lunch alone and watch them. Why can’t they talk to us? Why can’t they love us? It’s not their fault, it’s just the way they are wired. Keep your affections secret, they will be mocked. People don’t want affection from the weird autistic kid. You will have to be creative and build hope from scratch. You have to be convincing enough to sell yourself snake oil every single morning, or you won’t be able to get out of bed. You have to love and trust yourself every morning you wake up, despite how much of a fuckup you are. Be careful not to love, you will take every word she says to heart, and she will not be kinder than the others. Avoid being around people if you can, don’t make eye contact with the people walking past you. Don’t talk to them, they don’t want to talk to you, you make them uncomfortable. I’m high functioning enough to be painfully aware of what I am. I just have to anticipate the depression, rejection, failure, pain, exile, and grow wearily used to it. The human mind is built to reject people like us. I doubt that I will really ever be loved. If you don’t come to terms with how difficult it is to love someone with autism, your heart will be broken over and over again. You will be confused and blindsided by cruelty that is built into the laws of nature time and time again. You probably won’t ever know real love, the kind that is a reciprocated bond, but you will miss it every day. This sounds cruel, but it’s true. People like us with autistic brains are too different to be loved. I think people can love us the way they love cats and dogs. But we are too different for empathy and intimacy. They will struggle to understand us. Why does he do all those weird things? Why is he so mean? Some of us lucky enough to be at the high functioning end are articulate enough to explain ourselves. Though it doesn’t matter, no one asks. I will never understand why truth lies in rumors and assumptions for a normal brain. It doesn’t even matter why, they will still feel uncomfortable around us. Why go through the trouble of listening to, understanding, and getting used to the weird autistic kid? It would be so difficult and awkward and there are so many nice beautiful rich normal people out there that are so easy to love. You need to keep busy all the time or you will think about love. Somewhere, on some sand there is a line drawn between those who are worthy of love and those who don’t deserve it. You don’t want to find out which side you are on. One day you will hit your limit. You will be too exhausted to struggle through another awkward conversation with the cashier, professor, pretty girl, colleague, parent. When the pretty girl smiles at you, you’ll try to work up the concentration to come off as normal. You start to approach her then you’ll look at the ground and just walk back to your seat. She’ll follow you and say something kind and inviting. You’ll just ignore her or maybe tell her that you are autistic and can’t really talk to people, then walk home.

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3 thoughts on “Sisyphus

  1. The thing is that you never know what others are dealing with in their lives. Sometimes things can be deceiving and you look at someone and think that they have a perfect life my hey ha e it made etc…you can’t judge people until you really get to know them for yourself and sometimes that takes effort. Sometimes worth it and sometimes not! You will always find people richer, poorer happier, sadder, healthier or sicker than yourself! The trick is to be content with what you have and strive for what you want in life!

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    1. The striving is the issue. Capitalism is fine, I’m willing to play ball, even with it’s crude american iteration. The problem is I have the aptitude, I am much better at what I do than 99% of the people in my field, but I am never given the opportunity to compete. For an economic model and societal attitude that prides itself on meritocracy there really isn’t much of it. Elites hate free competition of any sort and use the vast diverse means available to them to keep anyone better than them in the shadows. I come from an impoverished transplanted family and I have autism so I don’t really have too many pieces on the proverbial chess board to begin with. But I still manage to eek out some pretty impressive victories, and I enjoy being the underdog. The problem is, every time I win, my opponent just throws the chessboard across the room and says I cheated. I fucking corrected errors in the notes of a nobel laureate. I found and corrected errors in Richard Feynman’s lectures. I know I don’t have a doctorate but maybe giving my research proposals a little more clout? I mean, you can have the aptitude and put in the work, but there really aren’t that many opportunities. The elites pretty much bogart all of the pies to themselves regardless of who deserves them. Then they pass down all the pies to some insipid heirs who use all the pies to tilt the playing field in their direction to take even more pies for themselves.

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